8/4/24 haven't updated this in a while... i got into college! somehow! i actually managed to pass
my exam (somehow) and my college entrance exam (somehow) and i am officially a college student, whoda thunk!
it's sorta crazy to be honest, i got into college with a pretty shit grade but i im still in the top 20
out of like... 60 so it's not as bad as my brain is making it out to be ^^; always gotta find a problem...
i can't wait to move out honestly but it's so scary????? i thought it was supposed to be liberating but
it's just making me realize i don't know how to live without my mom which is. terrible. to be honest.
but i will do my best and it's all going to work out i'm sure!!!!! just gotta. dream big and not
give up or... whatever
hopefully this works out because jesus christ i cannot go to another college with the shit grade i
got in my exam ^^; christ almighty i fucked up there
6/30/24 studying did NOT go as planned, i haven't retained any information and
the world is hell... if i fail this i can't get a job, i'm freaking out a little bit
i need this to work out in my favor, i tried really hard... it just did not work
out... what's a boy got to do to pass his exams
i'm trying to come to terms with
failing this, in case i do, it might not be so bad living with my transphobic mother
and abusive brother
for another... year or... several years... or never going to college... and being stuck with
her until i get money to move out (never, in this economy)... it might not suck so bad
who am i kidding honestly... gotta get out... god let me pass this, i'm on my knees begging
6/24/24 i'm going to fail this exam
i don't understand anything, i
wonder if it's this new medication i'm on but i can't absorb any information
whatsoever, i forget everything constantly now, i've been crying nonstop lately,
it just doesn't seem to ever end
i don't know what to do anymore, my mom's
so mad at me... i'm trying my best but it doesn't seem to ever be enough, why is
it never enough? i'm so stupid, it's astounding, it's actually incredible how stupid
i've proved to be. i don't have it in me anymore, i wonder how long i can keep going
like this... things were supposed to get better, why do they never get better?
just how long will i have to keep living through this fucking nightmare man... i just
wanted to go to college, it seems so achieveable and everyone says it should
be easy, why are things always difficult for me, why is everything always so difficult? i
just wish i was normal... why does nobody understand or care that i'm struggling? why is it
always summed up to "you're just not trying hard enough"? i'm physically degrading because of
this and there's nothing i can do. i can just impatiently wait to fail and watch as everyone
i care about becomes disappointed in me... i really tried my best, i'm really trying my best
i have a week left, i'm going to stop sleeping and study as hard as i can, i'm going to be good
so people can stop saying i didn't even try, i'm going to do more than my best, i don't care
if it means neglecting every need i have, i just want to pass
6/2/24 bad day again... i don't think i'm ever going to get along with my brother
i tried my best but he just seems to hate me no matter what i do... he says the worst
things to me every time we talk, it's beyond insulting... he's one of the
reasons why i feel so insecure, we grew up together so his words hold
great weight to me... he doesn't even care that what he says affects me, he
thinks everything is a game that he has to win, i just want to get along,
i've always wanted to be friends with him
5/30/24 bad day... felt like shit constantly to be honest, had the worst cramps too
i feel like i'm losing motivation to do everything, not even playing games is fun anymore,
it's hard to get myself to do the things that i enjoy, art's been really difficult to make,
playing games has been difficult, working on this silly site has been the only thing that
i've actually enjoyed doing lately
it might be the stress of finishing the school year but it's really
getting me down :( i wish i could just draw things and work on the things i want to work on and
hang out with my friends, i genuinely just want things to feel good for once again... it's been
so long since they felt okay, school's been kicking my ass :( and i'm still so very much behind
on everything, if i don't pass my exam i'm actually going to be in shambles
i started working on this today though! it's me and my boyfriend as dog people. dogs :)
5/29/24 presentation went well!!! a bunch of my friends came and they were
really supportive :) went out with some of them afterwards and i had a banging
sandwich... rewatching we are who we are, crazy show
though i feel sorta bad to be honest, skipping school again today... i don't wanna
go :( it's exhausting
5/26/24 cried a bit today, i feel so silly... i wish my mom wasn't transphobic, that's been bothering me crazy bad today, turns out therapy doesn't do enough to defeat decades of learnt bigotry ^^; whoda thunk... i wish i could come out to her someday though...
5/26/24 today sucked a little bit, i think i'm REALLY behind in school and it's making me super anxious considering i have an important exam in a month... i have a presentation in two days and that's also not helping... i just wanna play minecraft with my best friend and watch movies with my boyfriend honestly, i miss him, the world is a big ass :(
5/24/24 i don't know what to write here honestly i just thought making this would be cool... today was fine! i woke up at like 5pm, played some bg3 and minecraft and that's about it :) exams are coming up, i should really get to studying but i won't!!!! lazy lazy!!! i'm working on my portfolio for college though! that's going pretty okay i think :) hope i can complete it and have it look as good as i want it to ^^;